AmandaGrihm.com

The Safe Journey Out

Amanda Grihm

For thirty-seven years I carried the victimization of a rape that took place on my thirteenth birthday. It clung to me like the scent of a skunk that never stopped stinking. After a while I forgot where that scent came from and I claimed it as my own. Naturally, not wanting anyone to get a whiff of my scent I had to pull away from family and friends to some degree. My separation from others led to desperation to belong and I became moody, frustrated, angry, explosive and implosive most of the time. I learned to live in the background of my life like a shadow. Everyone I knew knew my shadow because that is what replaced me. My shadow projected the perfect image. It had a big beautiful smile that mesmerized people…a smile big enough to keep me out of reach and curtail any questions. My role and goal was to keep everybody happy. I put a cap on my gregarious, outgoing personality and locked my creative spirit deep inside my head. My needs and wants were insignificant. I was relegated to be the second, third and fourth person of importance in my life. I would never be number one, the winner or the savior of my day.

For the greater part of my life I lived in fear of men, women, authority figures, jobs, my own desires and capabilities. My shadow, on the other hand, had become strong, articulate and involved in the community. It was counted among the best in any business or social setting, a powerful woman – intelligent, capable and independent. It was charismatic and it had a presence that made people turn and look in wonderment as it walked into a room. My shadow lived an enviable life while I lived miserably waiting for a hammer to drop out of the sky and hit me on the head. I feared and hated my shadow because it was bound to get me into a situation that would shed light on what I really was…a vulnerable child who could be hurt by anyone or anything. Over the years I protected that child, kept her out of reach and hid her behind an emotional shield that was so strong that no feelings would ever get in or out. When she tried to venture out I punished her. I did it for her (own) good. I convinced her that I was the only one who could take care of her; and, I took care of her for thirty-seven years.

I was in the fourth year of my second marriage when my husband demanded to meet the child. I was horrified to find that he had looked past my shadow and seen her. If he saw her, surely he had gotten close enough to smell the scent of that skunk, which had gotten stronger over the years. The child tried to escape and tell him the whole story but I held her down and covered her mouth so that she could not speak. She cried because she wanted so badly to meet him, to speak to someone other than me…but I held her back. My shadow could be glamorous, witty, and insightful. It could make anyone forget the questions they had about us but her charm and wit meant nothing to my husband. He had seen the child and had come to love her, too. I tried to push him away and when that didn’t work I tried to push the child farther away from him but he had reached her and she didn’t trust me to take care of her anymore. She wanted him. She had come to love him. She began to fear and hate me. She wanted to live without me…without taking my advice. She was willing to take a chance. She wanted to experience love for the first time in her forty-six years of life.

I fought with my shadow and the child because they both felt they had a right to exist. In the meantime, my husband had reached the child. He had a firm grip on her hand. He was guiding her out of the background and bringing her into the light. He walked her through the garden of her life. She was able to identify some beautiful flowers and pick a few along the way. She realized that those flowers were family and friends who brought joy to her life and that they had come back each year despite her neglect. She stopped at a beautiful rose that had stopped blooming. It had not opened up completely. She could see a few weeds had made their way into the garden and were strangling the rose. Even though they had choked parts of the rose and it had withered somewhat, it was still there. It hung down low to the ground and almost broke but it survived their attack. My husband began pulling the weeds out, one-by-one, all the way down to their roots. He tore them apart and placed them into the child’s hand. Their scent was strong and bitter, identical to the scent of that skunk. Something told her to turn and run before the scent got on her again but my husband sensed her fear. She had only taken a few steps away from the garden when he slide his hand into hers and gently guided her deeper into the garden. He bent down and plucked another weed out of the garden. Then he told her to look down by her feet. For the first time she realized that she had grown taller and stronger and beyond the reach of those small weeds. She saw other weeds in the garden and knew them all by name. They were: uncertainty, doubt, fear, control, anger, frustration, aggression, depression, indecision, intimidation, submission and many more.

Together, my husband and the child clipped the withered ends of the stems and pulled the rest of the weeds out of by their roots. They scattered weed killer where the weeds had taken root. My husband pushed a slender wooden stick deep into the ground to stand firmly against the winds and rains that were sure to come. He gently lifted the beautiful rose so that it faced the sun and secured it against the wooden rod. He built a fire and the child threw the weeds into the flames. My husband looked into the child’s eyes. Her reflection glared back at her and for the first time she saw herself. The child had become a woman. She was my shadow…my shadow was she. Together, they were the stronger and weaker parts of me. With his love and support we had become one woman, strong enough to identify the weeds that were growing in our garden and to pull them out by their roots. And, I learned how to take care of my garden…my life.

Today, I live fearlessly and at peace with the world around me. I thank God for a husband who was strong enough and who loved me enough to make me journey back through time to identify and understand the event that devastated and changed the course of my life …and for guiding me out safely.

For all who require it...I wish you peace, love, happiness and

a safe journey out!